jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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