Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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