I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
