I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
