just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
