Michael Bay diarrhea
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
