There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I think my nap took me to another dimension
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
