just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
