I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
