Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
