I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
