The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
