Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
