Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
