I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
