Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
