I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
