I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
