Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
