I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
