Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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