I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
