this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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