Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
