i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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