I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
