No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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