U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
