remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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