So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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