haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Everclear isn't food dammit
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
