You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
