I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
