...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
