I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
