I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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