I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
