College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
