And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
