wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
