so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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