...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
