I looked at my own cervix.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
