I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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