My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You don't make any sense
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