Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You don't make any sense
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