Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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