I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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