god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
