Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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