Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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